Panic Attacks Again (unusual behavior)?

Ok so ive suffered from Panic Disorder for a very long time...i believe initally this started because of an emense amount of school bullying in high school,that has affected me for the rest of my life.Then as i was in my teens i used a fair bit of meth and got so many panic attacks it was wayyy to over whelming.To the point where every time i came down of meth I would have a crazy panic attack where i wanted to run run run away from the situation i was in at the time and would do anything to escape.After i quit using meth for obvious reasons.I would still for a couple of years get panic attacks for no apparent reason,say if something was overwhelming (mind you this can be a Happy event) I even missed my daughters birthday because of a panic attack i was so excited but worried i wouldnt host her party properly and thought suddenly i wasnt good enough.I still to this day hate myself for that and think what a bad mother i was even though realistically i am an amazing mother. Anyway just recently i had a heavy night of drinking and had my best friend and her partner look after my children at our house overnight.When i arrived home i wasnt too bad but as soon as i walked into the dooor I started to get paranoid and thinking that they were looking wierd at me like there was something wrong with me.I started to avoid the babysitters and pray that they would go home soon and leave.I can deal with a panic attack on my own with my kids but to have ppl around freaks me out,i needed to clear my head alone.So i kept going outside for a smoke and a full blown attack started.Mind you my friend who babysat is my bestest friend in the whole world but i was sooo paranoid about who know what?? So I sat outside trying to work out how to run away from the situation.I was soooo fearfu;,felt like a bad mum again and told my partner im going to bed and having another panic attack :( I felt soooo rude but i was in emense fear...i feel like such an idiot...i hate this.So i hid under my blankets like a newborn baby rocking back and forward,trying to work out how to make this insanity stop.I hated myself again and had visions of cutting myself to release the pain and hope it would go.I prayed no one would come in and talk to me because i stutter and freak out when im confronted.Heres the bit that freaked me out i was dying to go to the toilet so bad and held it in for ages...hoping they would leave so i woul;d feel partially normal again.But they didnt do i found a small bowl under my bed and went to the toilet int their.I felt so retarded and fearful of having to run from my room to the toilet because i didnt want anyone to see me..wtf is wrong with me...stooping to peeing in a bowl for the avoidence of others and being confronted.I feel totally insane. WTF is wrong with me.please help :(